Digz and I have had flu so we have been recovering and I don’t know about you but when I am not well, I get quite introspective. We are quite busy at the moment, with Digs taking Corks out of town for her monster race last weekend, me prepping for my class and prepping for Italy, Kitty embarking on her last two big block exams and her final dance and also getting everything done for her apps for varsity and Corks training and prepping for her exhibit at the Zietz Mocca… it’s been full on. My mind wondered ahead to what things will look like when I get home from Italy and with Kitty finishing school in the next month.
And BAM just like that - it hit me squarely in the chest.
For the past 21 years my days have literally been built around the school drop off and school pick up times and in a months time… we will be DONE. No more school runs…. no more. Gulp!
As chaotic as they were and still are for a moment longer, we have loved them. The crazy car trip, the ridiculous chatter, the radio general knowledge quiz game, all of it. Digz and I often grab a coffee afterwards… we chat, we regroup - so much will change.
I have been so focused on Kitty' finishing school and being so over all the pressures that comes with it, for her, that I didn’t stop to think about what this means to me in terms of my routine. Over the years I built my working hours around these two time zones and now I don’t have to do that anymore and what does this mean in the greater scheme of things. I got quite chocked up. 21 years is a long routine and I know I’m not alone in what this feels like or what this means. And for a moment yesterday, I panicked and scurried around trying to think of ways to fill those spaces so I wouldn’t feel the loss or the void.
Would I feel the freedom or would I feel lost to myself?
I don’t know the answers yet. It feels like a fine line. I have more than loved my momma job and although I totally understand that will never come to an end, it’s going to start looking a little different. It made me stop and take a moment yesterday, how absolutely blessed and lucky I have been to able to work the way I have - freelancing wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination easy but the sacrifice has been worth it. I’ve really had the best of two worlds, of being a working mom who was lucky enough to be there every afternoon for my girls. it’s something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Literally, it will be the first time in 21 years that I won’t be bound by other people’s routines… the thought so utterly advanced in concept that I can’t quite fathom it yet.
So yesterday I felt panicked but today I’ve decided to take a deep breath and slow my mind and allow the idea and concept to permeate into my soul and I am going to take a moment to contemplate what it all means to me. The slowing down of my schedule might be the gift of quiet I’m constantly seeking. I have a few things I would like to start thinking about and doing when I get back from Italy and next year but I want to be wise in my choices. I want to be mindful and careful about my time.